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December 12th, 2006
10:54 am
"For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered. But for those of us who can't readily accept the God formula, the big answers don't remain stone-written. We adjust to new conditions and discoveries. We are pliable. Love need not be a command or faith a dictum. I am my own God. We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state and our education system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us."
-- Charles Bukowski, Life magazine, December 1988
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December 9th, 2006
03:21 pm
Christmas Tequila Cookies
1 cup dark brown sugar
1 cup (two sticks) butter
1 cup granulated sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit (dried cranberries or raisins)
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon fresh lemon juice
1 cup coarsely chopped walnuts or pecans
2 cups all purpose flour
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila (silver or gold, as desired)
First, sample the Cuervo to check quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the Cuervo to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Pour another 4 ounces in a measuring cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of the butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon sugar. Beat again.
At this point, it is best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK. Try another 4 ounces, just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, picking the frigging fruit off the floor.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt or something. Check the Jose Cuervo.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
Cherry Mistmas.
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October 14th, 2005
09:36 am
In my humblest of opinions, life would be SO much easier if we could randomly insert clips of cheesey porn music at any moment. It would make these conference calls go SO much faster.
I wonder if there is a statistic for how many people have been driven to insanity and bludgeoned their own skulls in with the phone receiver over 3 hour conference calls that yield only one item: another conference call.
All in all, when I joined corporate engineering I assumed the trade of my soul for some comfortable loafers was a fair one. Now I'm not so sure.
g.
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July 8th, 2005
11:41 am - Higbrow Genital Humor
- My genitals are so gigantic, and yours so woefully inadequate, that evolution laughs at you and promises that your male offspring will also be cursed with your ridiculous nubbin -- thus dooming your DNA!
- My genitals are so sweetly intoxicating, I was able to convince Cornel West and Camille Paglia to violently disrobe and vigorously copulate with me in a Chablis-fueled, mind-bending threesome that made the seraphim in paradise blush with a mixture of shame and desire!
- My genitals are so leviathan that Ahab himself, if he were rendered a non-fictional creature, would surely stand upon his masts crows nest and lob mighty harpoons at me!
- If the teaming masses were to behold my juggernaut-like genitals, surely Marx's concept of the End of History would be nigh.
- My genitals are of such behemoth proportions, it is to the world of genitalia what Noam Chomsky is to the study of global activism!
- My genitals are so mammoth in size, that if inches were words, my member could fill every page of one of Ayn Rand's epic Objectivist -tomes!
- A fine 1997 Chateau-La Cardonne Bordeaux would go well with my robust and flavorful genitals, even after the third helping!
- My genitals are so bursting with sexual magnetism, I could single-handedly seduce and defile the entire lesbian population of Sarah Lawrence University!
- My genitals bloat with such passionate force, that upon arousal, I barely have enough epidermis to purse my lips so that I may recite Shelley's immortal poem "Ozymandias"!
- If Philip Glass wrote an ambient opera in honor of my genitals, the title of the epic collection of random notes and sounds would be "Phantasmagoric Ode To Big Dong Number Five."!
- Hemingway's lost book about my genitals began thusly: "His organ was big."
- My virility is so profoundly cosmic, that in the event that every human male were to cease to be, my limitless supplies of genetically super-human semen could impregnate the remaining female population, thus siring a perfect race of confident, and impressively endowed men!
- Tired Freudian references aside - your mother played my mighty skin flute like a surf crowned sea nymph trying to rouse Poseidon from his watery slumber!
- Kurt Anderson secretly admires the cultural relevancy of my genitals, which have supplied artists and writers alike the inspiration needed to create great American works, and this admiration turned to sour envy when he ignored my zippered muse and wrote that appalling "Turn of the Century" that many have mistakenly referred to as a "novel"!
- So colossal are my genitals, that they compelled Stephen Hawking to theorize that my sexual gravity is such that a tablespoon of it would weigh more than an entire LA club full of amorous, cocaine-addled, Prada-clad Casanovas!
- My genitals are comparable to Harvard University’s endowment - both are the largest of their kind, both are institutions that demand the respect of academics and undergraduate trollops, and both cannot be seen or used by anyone of low birth or intelligence, unless they work very hard to prove they are worthy.
unknown source.
G.
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July 6th, 2005
09:51 am
Every now and again I get bored and rummage through livejournal for the in-depth and hard-hitting information one might find sitting in the book tray on top of my toilet. I usually come up empty-handed though, namely because I care very little for the hohum day-to-day activities people tend to write about.
If I want reality, I'd watch television for christ's sake - I NEED to be entertained.
This lends itself to my second favorite activity, and that is oogling boobies. Love them, and as an intelligent guy I can honestly tell you I have no idea why so don't bother asking. I actually peek in the Show Your Boobs type communities from time to time because, well, it's free and there are no artsy-pretenses. It's usually some words that I never pay attention to, and a link to boobs. That feeds the basic primal instant-gratification need pretty nicely. I don't have to read the quasi-retarded rationale for posting, I can avoid the never ending stream of male comments all saying "OMG UR HOT /SUCK" and "OMG Id LOVE TO TOUHC THOES", and more importantly I can skip to the next set should the previous be unfufilling.
** In a quick and unrelated note to all women who may, in the future, take pictures of their boobs: When you are sitting there and suddenly get the urge for a polaroid moment with the ladies, could you maybe let them breathe a minute once released from the confines of your bra? As hard as you try to give the sexy face, and put yourself in a pose that would leave Cirque de Soleil performers cramping, it's disconcerting when your boobs are adorned with the impressions earned from 8 hours of bra support. I like M.C. Escher as much as the next guy, but even he didn't use someone's rack as a canvas. Probably for a reason.
Anyway, every now and then I log in and check SYB after having not seen it for a few weeks and there will be one post that leaves me feeling.. well.. dirty. Not a good dirty either, but dirty like you just crawled into bed and while stretching out your feet run into a mystery liquid left behind by your roommate and his last date. A I-just-found-out-I-was-related-to-Karl-Rove dirty.
The entry that sparks this little trip through my hobbies would be here (NWS -- Won't open directly to the picture, you'd have to scroll down)-- http://www.livejournal.com/users/crayonboxes -- WARNING: Do not click that under any reason if you are at work, or eating, or sane. The post, is a very nonchalant description of how a girl had a female friend come over. Said friend cooked up a batch of corndogs, as normal humans do. She put them on a plate, as normal humans do. She walked to the couch, as normal humans do. She dropped trow as..a normal human might. She then proceeded to shove them up her ass, all under the watchful lens of her friends camera. Her friend, apparently, was the one taking the pictures. This was posted in Show Your Boobs, btw.
Why, you ask? My friends, I have absolutely no idea. But this is the magic of the internet I suppose. I'm really kind of curious how the whole conversation started though, because even I can't imagine the sort of segue involved in transitioning over to that.
How are you?
I'm great! You?
Good, good. Hungry?
Why yes I am!
Ok, corndogs sound good?
You bet, yum!
Ok, here you go!
Thanks, you have a camera handy? I want to try something.
The thing about this that really strikes me with irony is related to a friend I have named Sam. She has a journal here. I've bantered with Sam for a few years now on pretty much anything you can banter about, but at the end of the day she's an attractive woman who tends to post pictures of herself and has no quams with talking bluntly about sex or her activities therein. Now, while this cracks me up for the sheer honesty of it all, it also attacts many a lurking male who is there, instantly in love, and willing to do the most insane of things in order to stand out and end up under a magnet on her mental 'fridge. I challenged her once to use her powers for evil, and tell her followers she really wanted to see a certain odd set of pictures. Without giving the details let's just say she asked, and got them. In spades. This entire group of people all wanting to stand out by showing how non-vanilla they are, how open to experience they are, and really, all the places one could possibly conceal a bottle of diet fresca in a pinch.
Why is it people want to stand out like that? Do we all have some weird desire to be that guy from second grade that would eat anything you gave him for a buck? I don't know, and I'm perplexed about the whole thing. I will say however I'm going to nab a stiff drink over lunch and try to forget anything and everything I can about corn-hole-dogs.
In closing, if any of you reading this are into these type of activities.. I really, really, really don't want to know. Sam might though, and would probably think you were hot for doing it. Should send pictures her way..actually if you're into something odd like that chances are you're already on her jounral and already sent said pictures.
Oh, by the way.. she told me how much you stood out in her mind, and how sexy you were squatting over a bowl with enough fruit to make Carmen Miranda a new hat shoved firmly up your butt. She told me to tell you to send more.
G.
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May 23rd, 2005
03:18 pm
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7909025/
I don't want to be the picky one here, but..um.. "another"?
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May 11th, 2005
April 18th, 2005
12:39 pm
So, in my effort to no longer resemble a fat person I've taken up running again.
I would like you, the person reading this, to fully comprehend the impact of this statement because of how much I hate running. With passion. Not like the typical "I hate lima beans!" hate either (which coincidentally I also hate).. think how Strom Thurmond felt when he learned about BET and you're getting in the right ballpark.
Now, to be honest it hasn't been going *badly*. I'm probably around 10:30 on a mile, and push 26 on 2.. but I'm just creeping along and my legs ache pretty soundly later. See, I hated running when I was in the military too. Hate it now. Difference is I'm not running FROM anything, to anything, and I don't have some burly instructor yelling at me for motivation. What I do have is a gut forming up to motivate me AND make running that much more unpleasant. I think part of the problem is that running is a lot like sex in that it is totally based on form, you sweat like a pig, you make weird noises when you're closing in on your goal and there is sometimes lots of throwing up afterward. Running just lacks the happy ending that makes you forget about the rest of it.
Anyway..
On Saturday I decided it was a good day to run. Was lovely out and I was bored. So I laced up the shoes, threw on the shorts with the built in underwear (if you happen to be the gender that has nuts these make every step a potential adventure that can end up separating your boys like an elastic equator), and trudged off in good spirits. I made it probably 1/4 of a mile before that wonderful feeling of, "Jesus Christ I hate running" set in. So, I looked up a little and in the distance saw something which usually helps motivate me: a bouncing female butt. Now most people would just assume this motivates me because I'm shallow, but you're wrong this time! It actually helps when I can see their feet hit the ground because I now have a cadence AND a bouncing ass to watch. So I hop into Knight Rider pursuit mode and just make my feet hit the ground when hers do.
For the next mile and a half this evil temptress tried to kill me.
Finally she took a slight detour and I ran ahead to a point where I could take a break, unbeknowst to my foe. I went about another 1/8 of a mile and without regard for the location of the nearest defibrillator, I stopped. While trying to figure out where I could barf and not have passing traffic see me, who should run up? That is right.
Her
She started talking to me before I really looked at her.. She was very friendly when she said, "Thought we had a good chase going on back there for a bit." I laughed, well-aware I was being taunted, and said, "Yea, I was just trying to keep up". She laughed and said, "Maybe you should stick to chasing women your own age." It was at this point I looked up and saw the face of a much, much older woman that was obviously pleased she had now kicked my ass physically and then verbally. I laughed and asked her how old she was. 52 was the answer, but she said she hadn't really come into her own with running TILL HER FORTIES. She smiled and ran off, leaving me alone with my panting, nausea, and shame. I thought for a moment about trying to catch her and pass her to save my ego. Then I realized that my wheezing, panting and drooling self running by her would probably only motivate her to run faster. At which point I'd have a heart attack and die, probably with one nut hanging out. So, I let the idea pass and practically crawled home.
Did I mention how much I hate running?
G.
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April 15th, 2005
09:56 am
Ok, so.. true story: I used to teach a little of the Kung Fu a few years ago. Loved it - and not only because it pleased my inner grasshoppah, but because the instructors I had were really good at making known the history and culture surrounding the art. In retrospect I don't know why the history side really appealed to me.. but it did. Screw you for asking.
Now, fast forward to today and I find myself longing a little for this same sort of stimulation. Apparently eating General Tsao's marvelous chicken while hurling make-shift aluminum-foil ninja stars at random passersby isn't really working out for me anymore. Besides, my ninja costume I made out of hefty bags and velcro has mysteriously disappeared, and while ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) abbacat says she hasn't seen it.. I suspect foul play. At any rate I'm in the market for a new school from which to dip my bucket into the well of knowledge and drink heavily. I seek to obtain the wisdom of the ancient masters. I... um.. want kick boards or bricks while yelling the names of people and/or foods I know nothing about. The obvious choice to meet the aforementioned requirements is an Akido school two blocks down from where I live. It's in a non-descript building that shares itself with the local yoga center.
I'll admit I don't know much about yoga, but I did think he was a cool character in the Star Wars movies.
Anyway, I dropped by to check out the school. My hopes were to learn a little about the founders, how they function, what they teach, and in general get a feel for how they work. In essence most people who have spent any time dabbling in martial arts and have an IQ over that which yields only open-mouth breathing will, when given a choice, go for school that has Mr. Miyagi teaching over the other karate guy with the mullet that sports pictures of his time in 'Nam as a major decorative theme.. and upon entering this school I was off to a good start. Very clean, the students appeared very respectful and courteous, and literature on the art was stacked in a bookshelf that was easily accessable.
We're happy to this point.
Then, the Head teacher.. guru.. mastah.. whatever, catches eye with me, smiles and proceeds to John Wayne over to me in a manner that made me question the amount of starch used on his uniform when last it was laundered. He was a friendly enough guy that gave me a series of answers I could agree with, but tragedy stuck the moment I asked if any time was spent going over the history of the art, or the culture the art was founded in. His answer, and I shit you not here, was as follows:
"Well, Chris..." he said, eyes getting wider.. "There are many ways to kill a man. The most effective being a bullet through the top of the heart."
And there you have it.
Apparently the history of Akido is killing that rates, on the effective scale, below being shot in the heart. This means I could pay 180 dollars for a membership, or 500 dollars and buy a gun. To clarify, and I *did* ask this, they do not teach any gun play at this Akido school. I have a feeling they might be soon though, as the gleam in his eye when I asked looked much like a light bulb being switched on. While he was momentarily distracted with the idea of shooting things, I shook his hand and took the handout that included their pricing and backed.. slowly and non-threateningly, out the door while bowing at anything I thought might possibly need be bowed at in order to not offend the potential crazy person standing in front of me.
So, strike one on my ninja training. I may go back and check out the yoga school though, but if they don't let me have my own lightsaber I'll be really pissed.
G.
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March 14th, 2005
04:14 pm
*thump* *thump* *thump*
So, is this thing still on?
I'd post more, but I'm busy watching Deadwood again. At work. Because I work hard.
Need to start writing again because my brainmeats are getting filled, so will be back in short order.
G.
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November 24th, 2004
10:55 am
"I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore"......George Carlin
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November 1st, 2004
12:48 pm
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October 14th, 2004
08:35 am - A good answer.
From the last Presidental debate:
SCHIEFFER: Sen. Kerry, a new question for you.
The New York Times reports that some Catholic archbishops are telling their church members that it would be a sin to vote for a candidate like you because you support a woman's right to choose an abortion and unlimited stem-cell research.
What is your reaction to that?
KERRY: I respect their views. I completely respect their views. I am a Catholic. And I grew up learning how to respect those views. But I disagree with them, as do many.
I believe that I can't legislate or transfer to another American citizen my article of faith. What is an article of faith for me is not something that I can legislate on somebody who doesn't share that article of faith.
I believe that choice is a woman's choice. It's between a woman, God and her doctor. And that's why I support that.
Now, I will not allow somebody to come in and change Roe v. Wade.
The president has never said whether or not he would do that. But we know from the people he's tried to appoint to the court he wants to.
I will not. I will defend the right of Roe v. Wade.
Now, with respect to religion, you know, as I said, I grew up a Catholic. I was an altar boy. I know that throughout my life this has made a difference to me.
And as President Kennedy said when he ran for president, he said, "I'm not running to be a Catholic president. I'm running to be a president who happens to be Catholic."
My faith affects everything that I do, in truth. There's a great passage of the Bible that says, "What does it mean, my brother, to say you have faith if there are no deeds? Faith without works is dead."
And I think that everything you do in public life has to be guided by your faith, affected by your faith, but without transferring it in any official way to other people.
That's why I fight against poverty. That's why I fight to clean up the environment and protect this earth.
That's why I fight for equality and justice. All of those things come out of that fundamental teaching and belief of faith.
But I know this, that President Kennedy in his inaugural address told all of us that here on Earth, God's work must truly be our own. And that's what we have to -- I think that's the test of public service
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October 1st, 2004
09:36 am - The "debate" last night.
Was less of a debate and more like a round of competitive campaigning, which irked me.
1. CNN's polls show of 450k-ish, 72% think Kerry won that debate.
2. MSNBC's polls show of 1.5 million, 62% think Kerry won that debate.
And I am in the the Kerry won camp cased on certain criteria:
- Kerry was tasked with answering one big question about his flipflopping on the war, and I think he did very clearly and succinctly - something I didn't honestly think he'd do. He thought the war was necessary, he thought the way we set out to win it is incorrect. I can agree with that.
- Bush on the other hand spent most of the time noticably aggitated, stumbled through his cards and lacked the look of a prepared orator. He fumbled and looked completely out of place and off kilter. The battle cry of "Poland" is going to be comedic material for the next 5 episodes of Saturday Night Live.
And if you think looking unprofessional or less than prepared isn't noteworthy -- I'd suggest revisiting the 2000 debate when Bush's team made a huge deal about Gore's facial expressions and body language. I had to hear about Gore rolling his eyes for the better part of two months.
This all being said I watched it rather impartially because I think Bush is a dolt, and Kerry lacks the charisma and presense of a strong leader... but I think Kerry was pretty clearly the better of the two speakers with a clearer, stronger and more refined message. That pretty much defines the winner of a debate.
I am also sure that by next week sometime, the Bush camp will be reporting that Kerry punched Bush's grandmother after the debate, and Bush was frazzled because he saved a school bus full of underprivledged orphans from falling off a collapsed bridge during a commercial break.
G.
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September 30th, 2004
03:46 pm
"Beware the leader who bangs the drums of war in order to whip the citizenry into a patriotic fervor, for patriotism is indeed a double-edged sword. It both emboldens the blood, just as it narrows the mind. And when the drums of war have reached a fever pitch and the blood boils with hate and the mind has closed, the leader will have no need in seizing the rights of the citizenry. Rather, the citizenry, infused with fear and blinded by patriotism, will offer up all of their rights unto the leader and gladly so.
How do I know? For this is what I have done. And I am Caesar." -- Julius Caesar
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September 23rd, 2004
September 22nd, 2004
01:09 pm - News stories that make my brain hurt.
Well I agree all people on this fine rock should learn a bit more tolerance towards the flaws and shortcomings of others, at some point I think certain people maybe be taking this idea just a bit too far.
http://www.alertnet.org/thenews/newsdesk/HAF239332.htm
I must say though, once a week does sound like a good compromise. I will need to run this by abbacat
G.
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August 26th, 2004
July 8th, 2004
11:33 am - Why is abbacat my favorite person?
ACatRobinson: explode
ACatRobinson: ignite
ACatRobinson: abbacat
ACatRobinson: is DYNOMITE
ACatRobinson: and she's ready
ACatRobinson: to turn your brains to psghetti
ACatRobinson: if you tell her one more time
ACatRobinson: about this breach of confidentiality language
ACatRobinson: THAT IS UNNECESSARY
ACatRobinson: *booty shakin*
ACatRobinson: *booty shakin*
ACatRobinson: *booty shakin*
ACatRobinson: *splits*
ACatRobinson: *jazz hands*
Gullyvuhr: Wow.
Gullyvuhr: Um.. I'm not exactly sure that I can write a response fitting your production number.
ACatRobinson: well it made me feel less murderous
Gullyvuhr: I also didn't realize one could be so white... in text.
Gullyvuhr: Honkey.
Gullyvuhr: This is so going on my journal. =P
Gullyvuhr: that was awesome.
ACatRobinson: rofl I hate you.
Because she's got the mojo, behbeh.
G.
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July 6th, 2004
02:36 pm - What if Dear Abby were male? (Old gag I thought was funny)
Dear Abby:
Q: My fiance still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm
afraid he will not be faithful.
A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to
increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a
few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for
you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present,
and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his
behavior.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior - and it should be
encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess
with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the
boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief
for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the
man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to
buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and
don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and
my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough
of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far
from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together.
Why not some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive,
then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive
present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect
of his behavior.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10
calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your
figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man
knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is
totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This
shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a
nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must
mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family
budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and
to sell it at car-boot sales. To ease your selfish guilt, buy
your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have
no time to talk.
A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he
needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work
his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting
pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him
a nice meal.
Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you
that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort'
the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice,
expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you
do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot
to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make
it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a
nice meal.
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant,
man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't
mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a
nice expensive present ... and don't forget to cook him a
delicious meal.
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